What if men had boobs?
Let's unpack this earth-shattering hypothetical.
OK, let’s dive in.
In this universe, everything is the same as our current reality. The only difference is, during puberty, men develop a set of mammaries, somewhere between mosquito bites and flesh missiles.
As for size, it’s really just a matter of genetics. If your uncle Eugene has a set of cans but you don’t, it means something got fucked up with the alleles and zygotes.
I want to emphasize here, everything about men remains the same. Same masculine body shape, same ego, same disgusting penises.
I’ve pondered on what a world like that might look like. These, I believe, are the most pressing questions:
Would men titty fuck each other?
Oh yes, all the time. I’m sure they’d try to titty fuck themselves, too. Only a few buxom transgenders will ever have the pleasure of the auto-tit-job.
Would “transgender” even be a thing?
In a world where breasts are eliminated as a solely female characteristic, a man with gender dysphoria could easily start acting and dressing like a female and there’d be almost no transition period. No surgery, no hormones, just a James Charles makeup tutorial and you’re ready to hit the town.
What kind of shirts would men wear?
Tight T-shirts are out. Suit and tie is out. Polos would look kinda hot.
Imagine some roided-out boomer wearing an Under Armor polo, yelling at his son’s little league coach with just the juiciest set of Chumbawambas you’ve ever seen… all pressed together and sweaty… Have you ever seen a hot female golfer? That’s the aesthetic I’m picturing.
Would men still be attracted to boobs?
Funny as it sounds, I think men having tits would tank BIG BREAST’s stock. They’d still be a popular fetish, don’t get me wrong, but the search volume would be closer to “foot fetish” or “cuckhold.” Being attracted to big boobs would be a little taboo.
“Oh, you like big tits, Johnny? Are you trying to fuck your dad? Gross dude. I’m not into that gay shit.”
Speaking of which…
Would it be gay to like boobs?
I mean, hey, a nice rack is a nice rack, right?
Your friend Steve shows up and he’s wearing that bra you like… if your dick moves a little, is that gay?
It’s possible boobs would become completely desexualized, as I mentioned before, but it does bring up an interesting question:
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to a body part of a person but not the person as a whole?
“Damn bro, you got a hot elbow, mind if I cum?”
If my internet history is any indication, objectification by compartmentalization is definitely a thing. I can’t tell you how many grandmas with H-cups I’ve come across in my research. Doesn’t mean I’m attracted to grandmas.
Or maybe it does…
Wait, am I gay for grandmas?
Would breast implants still be a thing?
If the value of having big boobs drops as a whole, I’d guess the breast augmentation industry would see a similarly significant drop in business.
It’d be like getting surgery to increase the size of your toes. Like, I guess, do what you gotta do to fit into those clown shoes, Tinky. But it certainly wouldn’t be normalized in society.
Breast reduction surgeries, on the other hand, would likely surge. Big boobs, as many a girl I’ve dated will tell you, are not fun. They hurt. They get in the way. They make exercising hard. Their only evolutionary value is that they’re a rare aphrodisiac, grabbing the attention of men who might offer food, shelter and the occasional hot load.
But they’re more trouble than they're worth. It’s possible we’d enter into this societal boob holocaust, where having boobs at all would be a sign of poverty and poor health. A real man would make enough money to afford the double mastectomy. He’d have the flattest torso at the beach, parading it around like Larry the Lobster. Real American Psycho energy.
Would men’s boobs produce milk?
That’s a good question. If not, we’d probably end up in the boob holocaust scenario mentioned before, since boobs would essentially be these useless slabs of flesh that only serve to get in the way and slow you down.
The only real incentive to keep them would be if they did produce milk, HOWEVER, if you had a choice between drinking your mom's or your dad’s breast milk from the tap, who would you choose?
Nobody wants dad’s crusty old breast milk.
Would full-frontal nudity still be taboo?
Fuck no. Are you kidding? Men would relish every opportunity to show off their big sloppers. Every beach would be a nude beach. There’d be tits and sand flying everywhere.
Most of the laws in this country were crafted by men, for men, so you best believe our Founding Fathers would’ve written a special bylaw to #FreeTheNipple. That fight would’ve been settled in 1773.
And perhaps the biggest question of all:
Would society change in any meaningful way?
Probably not. Although, having fewer differences between men and women would probably be a good thing. Maybe we’d spend less time squabbling between genders and more time uniting against the financial forces that keep us enslaved.
Feminists fight for women’s rights, MRAs fight for men’s rights— but nobody fights for human rights. It’s almost like men and women need each other— and framing society as a giant battle between the two is a big fucking waste of time.
In conclusion, everyone should have boobs. The future of our country depends on it.
These are my findings.
Have a thought? Leave it in the comments so we can advance this very important philosophical discussion.